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Someone recently sent me an email titled 26 things a perfect guy would do. I thought "hmm, nobody could possibly send me anything so stupid, it can't possibly be as dumb as it sounds." I stand corrected. The email was just as advertised: a wish list of how women supposedly want men to act, as if men in this country weren't already an episode of Friends away from turning into giant walking vaginas.

I never thought I'd ever read anything that would induce my gag reflex so quickly, and this is after having read the details of an anal prolapse that a friend sent me tonight. Here is the abridged list (because the full list might literally cause you to barf on your keyboard, and frankly, it's not worth reading), followed by my response to each "thing" that a "perfect guy would do:"

1. Know how to make you smile when you are down!
When will women realize that they don't live on the set of a romantic comedy? Unless making you smile involves me playing video games while you cook me a steak, you're in for a disappointment. You don't think guys ever feel "down?" The door swings both ways, bitch.

2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice.
What? Why the hell would I want to smell a woman's hair? It smells bad enough with all the sprays and perfume they use. Enough with the conditioners, sprays, and cream already; that shit makes my eyes water. What the hell is conditioner anyway?

3. Stick up for you, but still respects your independence.
Translation: bail you out when you fail at life, but never bring it up during conversations.

4. Give you the remote control during the game.
This one is inherently stupid because it implies that all guys like to watch "the game." Since I'd rather be shot in the chest with projectile diarrhea than watch "the game," I'll assume the author meant something worthy of watching, such as Ren & Stimpy, in which case you need to put the bitch down if she touches your remote.

5. Come up behind you and put his arms around you.
LAME. Who has time for this? Sounds like something out of a herpes commercial where some lady is rock climbing or doing something else which symbolizes her independence, then out of nowhere she blurts out "I HAVE HERPES." The music gets all serious and you hear a voice over "...there is no cure," cue inspirational music "but treatment is available." Then it cuts to a shot of the bitch on a beach and a guy runs up behind her and puts his arms around her. Good job dumbass, you're dating a skank with herpes.

6. Play with your hair.
Again with the hair? Women never play with the hair on my back, why the double standard?

7. His hands always find yours.
This is one of those things women read and say "AWW HOW ROMANTIC." I have news for you: holding hands is stupid. Women don't know the first thing about being romantic. Only lesbians hold hands anyway; allow me to explain. The only time it's acceptable to hold hands with anyone is if you're at a peace vigil. Guys don't go to peace vigils, period. If you do, you have to surrender your balls and get a sex transplant because you're a bitch; in either case, you're a woman, and when two women hold hands it can only lead to one thing as far as I'm concerned.

8. Be cute when he really wants something.
Bullshit. When I want something, I yell. If she can't hear me in the kitchen, sometimes I'll threaten beatings if I'm sober.

9. Offer you plenty of massages.
For your boobs maybe. I happen to have the uncanny ability to massage breasts. With my mouth.

10. Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork.
Let's face it: there are few things in this world more stupid than dancing. Except break dancing, which pirates and lumber jacks would agree is awesome. Other than that, dancing makes me envy cripples.

11. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually hurts.
See, this is what pisses me off about women: they expect special treatment at their discretion. They want equal rights, equal pay, and equal treatment for everything EXCEPT when it comes to shit like this, then they want you to "react cutely" instead of, say, putting them in a head lock and making them eat ants and/or spiders while you give them carpet burn. Why don't women react "cutely" when men hit them for a change? Oops, I forgot, that's domestic abuse.

12. Drive 5 hours just to see you for 1.
Any guy who would drive five hours just to see a chick for one is an asshole. If every guy drove around for five hours just to spend one with their girlfriend, we'd fill up the air with so much pollution that we'd all choke on the exhaust, get cancer, and then bake under the sun while our lungs rupture and we slowly die from internal bleeding.

13. Stare at you.
You stupid attention seeking whore, just buy the bitch a mirror, because apparently she thinks that you don't have anything better to do than to sit around and stare at her. If women ran the world, we'd still be searching for the wheel.

14. Call for no reason.
Oops, this one belongs on the list of "Twenty-six things women do that piss men off because they need to fill their otherwise vapid lives with something to make them feel like they have a purpose for existing as they eventually realize that they're pissing their youth away on stupid bullshit like fashion trends."

I can't go on, I'm going to go do something less painful like stick my dick in the oven.

Maddox is a fucking winner, seriously.

One day at spring cleaning last year i finally found my collection transformers action figure that i had as a small boy. I was reall yahppy as i have not seen them for several years. And when i was young there are the things that entertained me. I know Alex will start calling me gay for having a sedimental link for action figures. And people may laugh. But i really think these action figures are a big part of my childhood.

After i uncover all my past collection of them i put them up on display on my bedroom wall. I was really proud of them. Each of them are still in good condition. No broken pieces. Some of the weapons maybe missing but at least they are whole.

Just now after eating my lunch I was happy walking to my favourite couch to lie down. Then i saw something of the floor. It's 'Megatron' the one which strated my collection. But something was wrong. His left shoulder armour is lying on the floor next to it. It has been snaped off. There is only one culprit............. my brother. >:@

I am so piss. This is not the first time one of my action figure has been broken by him. My special edition transformer's tail has been broken by him And luckily that time it was at an unimportant area and easily fixed. But this time its at its joints and it won't transform properly if i superglued it. I am very angry for several reason.

1) I already warned my little brotehr that he should never play with my collection toyes when i am no t at home.
2) It is my very first one.
3) I can't fix it.
4)My lil brother did not tell me about it when i sent him to school

I pick up the pieces of my broken friend and cried (Yes i cried and i don't care it you all think its stupid that i did. Altough this may only be a toy but to me its a lot). My dad came over to me and told me its not a big deal. Obviously he don't understand. Does that mean my siblings can do what ever they want to my things and it is no problem. And its a big deal if i tell them off about it. Last time my stuff was damaged by my siblings and i scolded them i was scolded by my parents instead. And i was not allowed to get sad if my stuff got broken. So i have to smile while i pick up my broken things.

When my dad said it is not a big deal. 1 major question arised. What about My feelings?. I am human too. Altough the object may not be important to you. It is to me.


Notice the broken piece near its feet.


Now it looks crippled without that piece. And if i were to superglue it back on it will not be able to transform anymore.

What did i do to deserve this. I walk my little brother to school when i don't have extra class and even carry his bag for him. I give him candy when i am not suppose to. I let him watch t.v when he is not suppose to. I take care of him when he plays with the neighbours kids. And this is how he repays me.

I don'teven know what emotions i am suppose to have right now. I want to hurt my little brother but he is too young. I wanna just scream but my parents said that i should not show a sad face or they will get angry. Then what? If anger and sadness is not allow then what? Be happy? Just pick up the broken pieces and walk away smiling?

Don't you just hate it when you are eating you lunch happily and suddenly a couple of happy little flies just come and buzz in on you while you are having you meal. I really hate it. My brotehr and sister hate it. And the ones who hate it the most is my mother and father.

Senario: A Sunday afternoon lunch
Translated from Chinse/Hokkien to English
Character:
Me
Mother
Father
Fly A
Fly B

(Fly A and B flying over dinner table disturbing the lunch of 3 typical human being. Fly A did a mid air summersault followed by a triple gator infront of short tempered adult homosapien)

Father: Where is the Fly swatter >:(

Me: Over there next to Mamii

(Adult female homosapien picks up fly swatter and attemp to hit Fly B that is resting in front of her but miss by 1mm)

Me: You arm too short lah.

(Adult female homosapien is motivated by the constructive critism and stands up and patrol around the table. She spotted Fly A on a chair and raises her arm and slap. At that moment she also spotted Fly B and raises her arm high and hit with maximum velocity the moment it lands. The bodies of the two flys vanished from sight)

Father: HAHAHAHA!!!! You miss!!!

Mother: No......... i am sure i hit them.

Father: Nolah. How can hit. You technique all wrong. Don't raise up your hand up first befoer you strike. It will alert the flies of you. You should follow the fly with the fly swatter as close as possible and hit at it with the flick of the wrist

(Young teen homosapien spoted 2 dead fly carcases on the floor)

Me: But she killed them.

Mother: HAH!!!! (points at adult male homosapien)

Father: That was lucky, maybe those two flies weren't paying attention due to this hot weather.

And that is exactly what happened last week

Today my whole family went to support my mom as she went for the Hua Ho lucky draw. She is one of the top 5 winner so has a 40% chance of getting either the Nissan Sunny or hte Mitsubishi lancer. Oh yeah, by the way today is my mom's birthday too.

Ok now you may thing that my mom may be an obsessive shopper to get a chance to be chosen for the draw. But in fact she hates grocery shopping and was forced to go shopping for chinese new year as my father was busy (my father does the shopping) And she only applied foer the lucky draw once and she got the chance for teh grand draw. I applied more than a 100 times and i don't even get anything.

At the end of the final grand draw my mom failed to get either of the car. BUT...... we won a Kettle Sport Treadmill which i always wanter. While my mom walks away sulking and thinking how hobbile this birthday must be, I have a large grin on my face knowing that i will be the only one in the family who will actually use it. I did try to console my mom.

Me: Mii... don't win car also nevermind. We will still love you one.
Mother: Haiz~ Love me don't love me i don't care. I still don't have the car. :(

Obviously she is still not over not getting the car. So i tried again.

Me: Mii.... don't be sad. Look at it mathematically there are 2 cars and 5 drawee. So that means you only have a 40% chance of getting the car. Not even 50%. So don't feel sad lah.
Mother: But 40% so near 50% oh.......

I give up.

Ok this is going to be a quick post. I am going to rant on all the thinkgs that is stressing me out today.

Exam next week, not yet study.
2000word essay due saturday.
Model United Nation from friday till monday thus decreasing my study time.

So many things to do. Want to just sit down and relax also cannot. I need help. I have a 70% possibility that i will lose my sanity before the o' levels.

Well today I was su[ppose to go Gwen't place at noon. But my family decided that we should visti someother family's place frist for chinese new year. So we did. and as we did my parents ended up talking and talking and talking (Times abazilion). I was kinda angry cause i reallt wanted to go to Gwen's earlier. All my parents friends can talk about is "Whos your girlfriend" "What you don't have a girlfriend" "If you ever have a grilfriend you have to let me know" Maybe this is just a sign that people are actually acknoleging me as an actual adult.

Finally my parent's friend got his driver to fetch me to gwen's house as he still have more to talk with my parents. When ifinally got to Gwen's Diana was already there. And it turns out that many other people that were invited were not coming due to various reasons. After me Elaine and her friend who has a mobile phone glued to her hand arrived.

Overall the gathering was kinda slow paced. Nothing much really happened. Gwen's lil sis is so sporting. She is great at multiple games. And beat me at need for speed 2-1. At one point I was playing a 18+ rated game. Where in one mini game you play as a semen wheile you swim though a passage collecting hearts. She sat there quietly and just watch. And the best part was she gets ecited so easily that when we were playing SPEED she gets so excited that she begins to pant as if she just ran in a marathon.

Gwen is very an incredible hostest. Altough the entertainment ain't all that great but she provides to all you needs. I asked for a glass of milk and she provides. Elaine asked for sprite she provides and when elaine startes coughing Gwen provides a glass of water for her. At one point Gwen tried to entertain us by suggeting that we play cards. And the first deck of card she produced smells like shit. Diana thinks that somebody puked on it. The next deck of cards is soggy. Finally we ended up with the third deck which was brand new.

All and all today was quiet fun.

Ang pau count : $217 (still less than last year)

Happy CNY to all my readers as i know all of you are chinese, unless i am mistaken (I am also including those who have atleast 1% of chinese blood).

Today I finally get to wear my new shoes, clothes and new ........... ANYWAYS. Today my family only went to visit our close relatives and so far i have only score 7 ang paos totalling up to $132.

I plan to open a bank account after this CNY. I have got to stop keeping all my cash in my crayon box.

For those who wants to come visit me for CNY, please keep visiting this site. I will tell you the date once I confirm a date.

I hate it when i say somthing and people miss understand and thake me as a bad person.

This is exactly what happened. My school teacher introduced me to the school choir teacher cause we are going to be working together on the choir team. This is our conversation

Dude: Hi i am mr.A
Me: Teo,
Dude: So how long have you been playing the piano?
Me: Since 6.
Dude: Now grade what?
Me: Grade 4. I stop 3 years ago.
Dude: y?
Me: Cause it is getting too expensive for lessons.
(At this point i am getting tired of this integoration and i want to go home)
Dude: Don't you think it is better if you have finished your music education?
Me: Nah...... as long as you can play at nyonya restaurant thats good enough.
(And with a wave i went off)

Today i found out the the dude was angry at me for being rude. On account of saying he is not good enough. It seems that he has misunderstood me when i said " Nah....as long as you can play at nyonya restaurant thats good enough" He thinks that i am insulting him by saying that he is only good for the restaurants.

Andy's language: Nah..... aslong as you can play at nyonya restaurant thats good enough.
Translate to idiot english: As long as i can play well enough for people to listen that is good enough.

When i use the word YOU it does not mean YOU literally. This guy is a total english illiterate (not to say that i am very good). When i used YOU i was refering to myself in the third person.

Hai~ people nowadays. So sensetive. -.-"

5 Feb 07, 15:47 Andy: Alex have you consider that you yourself don't have a taste in music? And to Nad and Alex please try not to flood the tag board If I have no taste in music what do you consider yourself to have? A good taste of music? There's a HUGE line of fucking difference between GOOD and POPULAR. American Idol is good to laugh at morons that suck at life and wanna attempt to sing. The only TWO American Idols that are respectable are Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood. Oh by the way Nadia, Avril Lafailatlyf didn't write Kelly's songs. My dad bought the album and here is what it says: Written by Matthew Wilder/Rebekah Jordan. Unless Avril --> Rekebah + Matthew, I see no connection between Avril and Kelly. 5 Feb 07, 15:48 Andy: you claim that you can state 10 resons why band x> band Y i can also say why band Y > band X Do it. I honestly like to see what bands you would compare to the legendary Black Sabbath/Metallica/Megadeth/Slayer/Anthrax/Machine Head. Go ahead. Try me. And please don't just say "it sounds good" because if you say that you nullify your WHOLE argument. ANYTHING can sound good, shitting in the toilet can sound good if you want it to. However the difference between sounds good and IS good is HUGE. So don't say it 'sounds good' if it ISN'T good. I say Metallica's MoP sounds good because it actually IS good. Listen to the damn guitar solos. Tell me, what OTHER band besides Metallica can perform those solos? Oh right, there are only TWO other bands: Trivium and Dream Theater. Trivium's was a duo and Dream Theater's solo wasn't done correctly. It ACTUALLY sounds good rather than just "sounds good but isnt good!". I have reasons for everything, I don't just say I hate "X" without a reason. Although I seem to do that when I'm angry at times, I really don't mean it or I have another reason behind it. 5 Feb 07, 15:50 Andy: What more alex ican also say that you blindly also blindly follow your band cause of thier attitude towards life and not their songs What the fuck? Blindly follow my band cause of their ATTITUDE towards life and not their songs? Oh my goodness you really never listened to quality music. Their songs are ABOUT their life, what they have experienced, etc. Take Metallica's The God That Failed as an example. James wrote this song because he was angry and in agony that his mother refused to sought medical treatment and would rather let God heal her, but of course, He didn't so therefore, she died and this caused James to be pissed off. There are other songs like To Live Is To Die(this is an instrumental) that explains and plays about the band's history. This song was more specifically aimed to their ex-bassist Cliff Burton who died in a tragic accident. Note: I originally interpreted The God That Failed as an angry song James made and I presumably thought it was about someone who you couldn't rely on, or a god that is idolized but is unreal, however, checking upon its history through many band fansites, I have uncovered that it was truly about James being angry, but being angry to God that He didn't save James' mother from cancer. Andy: never*

5 Feb 07, 15:51 Andy: Please do understand i am not taking sides but i just want to point out stuff that you ner consider

I will say this once, I am NOT a person to jump to conclusions without backing facts, otherwise I would just say "I think!" if I believe that it isn't correct but it isn't wrong either. I have my reasons for hating bands. I don't hate bands because they are just in mainstream, I hate them because they are shit and if this is the kind of music people listen to then they really ought to die. I have no idea who would listen to shitty mainstream. It sounds bad on paper and live. I've listened to Linkin Park perform live(Live in Texas CD) and they weren't bad. I've seen some videos of professional footage of other bands like Metallica, Trivium, Dream Theater, etc. Some were good some were bad, but that was usually due to the back quality of the recorded. The band themselves played good. If you really don't understand what I mean, download these songs: Metallica - Orion, Creeping Death, Master of Puppets, Damage Inc., Disposable Heroes, Welcome Home(Sanitarium), One, Battery. That's a very short list for which a band has been very reputable for. Don't simply say I follow blindly. I make conclusions based on observations I do.

That is all - awaiting responses.